By: Brian Lahti, LCSW

You may have experienced a moment like this:

Your child has another meltdown over something small. Your first thought might be, “Why are they acting this way? They know better.”

What if you shifted that question from “What’s wrong with my child?” to “What is my child trying to communicate that they don’t yet have the skills to express?”

This subtle shift can change your entire experience. Behavior is a form of communication.

What’s Beneath the Behavior?

When children yell, explode, refuse, or shut down, it’s often not about defiance. More commonly, it reflects:

• Feeling overwhelmed and unable to manage emotions
• Difficulty with transitions or a lack of control
• Limited language to clearly express feelings
• An overloaded nervous system

Research in child development consistently supports the idea that behavior is a communication of unmet needs or underdeveloped skills (Siegel & Bryson, 2011; Greene, 2014).

Why Discipline Can Backfire

Consequences and punishment may stop behavior temporarily, but they do not teach emotional awareness, regulation, or communication. Without skill-building, the behavior often returns and sometimes in a different form.

Studies suggest that punitive approaches alone are less effective than those that combine structure with emotional coaching (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

What Supports Long-Term Emotional Development

A shift in how you respond can have a lasting impact. Consider this simple three-step process:

1. Regulate
If your child is in the middle of a meltdown, reasoning won’t be effective. Focus first on calming the body. Regulation must come before teaching.

2. Relate
Once they are calmer, connect with them. Reflect what you observed:
“I can see you felt really overwhelmed when that happened.”
This builds emotional language and helps them feel understood.

3. Reason
After connection is established, introduce structure and solutions. Use simple, predictable language:
“First we eat dinner, then we can play.”
Predictability creates a sense of safety.

This sequence, regulate, relate, reason is supported by neuroscience informed parenting approaches (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

Reframing Can Change Your Parenting

Your child is not trying to give you a hard time, they are having a hard time.

When you meet them with curiosity instead of control, you may notice a shift:

• Fewer power struggles
• Increased trust and connection
• Stronger long-term emotional skills

When Extra Support May Help

If your child is experiencing frequent meltdowns, anxiety, shutdown, or aggression and you’re finding it difficult to support them through those moments, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance.

At Talk Indy Counseling, we focus on supporting children and families in building skills that foster lasting confidence and emotional resilience.

Your child doesn’t need to be “fixed.” They need to be understood and supported.

References

Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child.